...And they lived happily ever after ...well, not quite

You made it down the aisle without your divorced parents making a scene. You didn't forget your vows, and your 10-year-old cousin didn't catch the garter. Your wedding is over, and now it's time for some quality time with your new spouse, a beach and a few drinks adorned with paper umbrellas.

But what happens when the honeymoon ends?

Well, the marriage.

And often, that's not an easy transition.

Different religions, different backgrounds, different families, different houses, different schedules -- a marriage is about more than two people going to the chapel and riding off into the sunset.

From moving in together -- before the wedding or after -- to merging finances, newlywed life has plenty of pitfalls.

The first two years are one of three times that a married couple is more likely to get divorced, said Sam Gladding, a professor of counseling at Wake Forest University. That makes getting married and getting used to it rank up there with two other major transitions: having your first child and children leaving the nest.

"It's an adjustment. You have ideal expectations, and then you have reality," Gladding said. "People tend to emulate and imitate what they have grown up with. If your partner is not doing that, then you may become distressed. Those first two years, you've got to accommodate, assimilate and move into a new way of being with yourself and with someone else. It's a matter of loss and gain."

So what can you do to tip the odds in your favor? There's no blueprint, but it helps to know the pitfalls.

Finances, sex, communication and family are issues in any marriage, but if they're not dealt with while the tags are still on your wedding gifts, there's less chance that the union will survive.

Finances

In one word: Budget. While newlyweds often have a lot of freedom, they don't usually have a lot of money.

"It sounds simple on the surface, but it's what a lot of people don't talk about and then they find themselves arguing about it. You're best doing it up front than after the fact because after the fact it becomes a real stressor," Gladding said.

Moving in together means that you have shared expenses. Start with a plan and work from there. Merge or open new accounts so that both partners have responsibility and access to funds. Decide which one of you is better with finances and appoint that partner the household CFO -- not that you can't both continue to make financial decisions. Decide if you want to pool all your money together or still keep some things separate. If one of you has a larger salary, you can prorate what you contribute to the household account. Know each other's debts and assets.

"I don't think there's a one-sized-fits-all solution for any couple, except that they all need to be talking about money," said Kristy Archuleta, a marriage and family therapist at Kansas State University who specializes in financial therapy.

Mo and KC Culler learned that fast.

A couple of days after they came home from their honeymoon to Italy in December, Mo lost her job as a nanny and as an office worker at a pediatric dentist. Her salary was higher than KC's. He is a teacher's assistant at North Forsyth High School.

"She was the breadwinner. It was a tough beginning," KC said.

"It made us really grow up really fast, and it made us grow up in this marriage really fast," Mo said.

Caroline Tiger, the author of The Newlywed's Instruction Manual (Quirk Books, 2010), suggests that newlyweds open a joint checking account but keep a separate account from their single days. The joint account is for common expenses -- rent or the mortgage, groceries and bills. Individual accounts can cover your own splurges, like that new alligator purse or an expensive pair of running shoes. "It's a great way to level the playing field," Tiger said. "I think with your own money and your own account it's OK to blow it on vintage clothes on eBay if you want to."

Mo Culler says she still doesn't spend the same way she used to.

"I was used to it being me," she said. "Now that there is an ‘us' I can't just go out and spend $100 on a pair of nice pumps. That could be money we could put aside for new furniture."

Sex

We all have different needs, including ones in bed. "Most people, when they marry they think we'll have sex X amount of times, and what seems frequent for one partner might be inadequate for another," Gladding said.

Talk about it. Plan ahead, and yes, even schedule a romantic encounter. Decide who will take responsibility for birth control if you choose to use it.

"It's often very difficult for either partner to bring up (sex)," Meyer said. "It's about the couple and not just the individual."

Learning to live together

When Tiger moved in with her man, she quickly discovered that his packrat tendencies made her crazy.

They found a solution.

"The bottom line is you can't change your partner, so figure out a way to live with their unique personality," Tiger said. "My husband has a room, and I don't even go in there. I don't even think about it. That was a good solution as opposed to him not even having a space."

Mo and KC Culler also have different ideas of tidiness. Mo, 29, is a self-described neat freak. KC, 32, isn't. Over the seven months of their marriage, they've each given some ground. "I just couldn't get mad about it every single day," Mo said.

Experts suggest dividing chores based on what each spouse prefers -- maybe one of you can't stand to do laundry, but will tolerate cleaning the bathroom.

"What do you not mind doing?," said Mikki Meyer, a marriage and family therapist in New York. "It's all about finding out what works for you.… Especially if you've been living on your own, you know what it takes to run a household."

Don't get stuck in gender roles. At the Cullers' house in Salisbury, Mo is the one more likely to mow the lawn. At dinner, they trade off cooking and cleaning up.

Tiffany and Brian Hall of Pfafftown got married April 10. Since moving in together, they've quickly learned one another's quirks. Brian, 36, snores and likes to eat cereal out of a mixing bowl. Tiffany, 26, has a habit of leaving cups, pillows and afghans scattered around the house. But they've also learned to work together. Tiffany is better at sweeping. Brian dusts.

Family

Ah, in-laws. The adage is true: You don't just marry a person, you marry a family. With that comes the good and the bad.

Newlyweds have to decide how they will divvy up holidays and vacations. Inevitably, there's an argument. Whose side should a newlywed take?

Experts say that your commitment should be to your spouse, even if you don't always think they are right. Don't take your mother's opinion over your partner's.

"What tears a lot of marriages apart is that either the husband or the wife does not separate fully from their family," Gladding said.

If you really can't get along with an in-law, set boundaries, avoid topics that you know ignite arguments, be civil and limit visits. You also might just have to suck it up, Tiger said. "You have to remember that it's your partner's family and that your family is their family now, too. I'm sure there are annoying personalities in both of your families, as well as wonderful ones. So it's a give and take."

There are other family dynamics to get used to. Brian Hall has an 8-year-old daughter from his first marriage. When Tiffany married him, she became a stepmother as well as a wife. KC Culler's parents are divorced, so Mo has learned to split holidays at three places instead of just her parents'.

Your chances of weathering the first few years of marriage may also improve if you work on your marriage well before the wedding, Gladding said. Premarital counseling is helpful for working out common problems. "Most people have rose-colored glasses, and this takes some of it off," he said.

The answer to many martial flare-ups isn't always compromise, Meyer said. It's commitment. "When they're willing to do the work, they can stay together."

The Cullers and the Halls said that premarital counseling strengthened their relationships, even if it was scary.

"We didn't know what to expect," Tiffany Hall said. She wondered if the experience would pick and pull their relationship apart, or worse, they might hear from someone that they shouldn't get married. In the end, it helped them communicate better.

And the reality of being married is still pretty special to them.

"I love being a newlywed," Tiffany said. "I like being able to say he's my husband. I like to be able to say this person loves me, wholeheartedly."

lgiovanelli@wsjournal.com
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