Dear Amy: I have been married for 30 years. I endured put-downs, slurs and nastiness from my husband's parents for the entirety of our marriage, with no help from my husband.
A year ago my mother-in-law passed away and my father-in-law was placed in the dementia unit of a nursing home.
My problem is that I am still furious at how they treated me, and terribly disappointed that the close relationship I always wanted with them never happened. I tried and tried, but everything about me was dead wrong: my ethnicity (not Norwegian-American), my weight (not thin enough), my education (I have a doctorate, and my husband has a high-school diploma, so they called me "Miss Know-It-All"), my child-bearing capacity ("only one? What's wrong with you?"), my hair color, my role as breadwinner, my traveling for work ("I'll die while you're gone, and it'll be your fault") and my willingness to express an opinion. How can I let it all go, considering that my mother-in-law is dead and my father-in-law is completely impaired? -- Wishing
Dear Wishing: Your toxic in-laws are gone, but their verbal abuse and put-downs will resonate through your life until you can accept that their reprehensible actions were their responsibility, their fault and an unfortunate reflection of their character and limitations.
It is in your power to let this go, and you must, otherwise this abuse will live on and continue to eat away at you. You must also deal with your husband. His passivity (or refusal) to protect and advocate for you is an abandonment. He might have been fearful, or trapped in a relationship where he felt powerless (after all, these people raised him.)
You two need to confront this aspect of your relationship. This is exactly the sort of issue that a therapist could help you make sense of. A counselor would listen to your story and then ask, "What can you do now?"
A book I've found very helpful when it comes to achieving equanimity is An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life, by the Dalai Lama (2001, Little Brown).
Dear Amy: I had major surgery. My mother-in-law said she would bring dinner the day after I returned home. She and my father-in-law arrived with dinner and then said they would be joining us.
I didn't have an appetite, so my family had dinner with them. She didn't even help with the setup or cleanup.
I thought it was thoughtful of her to bring the meal, but very rude for her to think it was OK to eat at our house. What is your take? -- Recuperating
Dear Recuperating: Your mother-in-law no doubt thought she was giving you a break from the dinnertime routine by bringing dinner to your family.
I can imagine how having these two extra people at your table would have been challenging the day after surgery, but I can also imagine your mother-in-law thinking that she was helping by offering you and your family the benefit of her companionship. Obviously, she was mistaken.
Readers may send questions to Ask Amy via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. An archive of Ask Amy advice columns is available at the Journal's Web site at www.journalnow.com.
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