Dear Amy: How do I convey a simple lesson about manners to "Jim," my adult son? Our relationship, though good overall, is also sometimes tenuous. I want him to do the right thing, but I don't want to alienate him.
He lives far away, with a wonderful woman. His sisters live close to me, and are considerate and kind.
When I recently had surgery, I did not tell Jim until after the fact, because I realized that there was nothing he could do and I didn't want to cause him needless worry.
I sent an e-mail afterward, saying that I'd had an operation and was doing well. I expected a return e-mail, saying something like, "Wow, surprising news; hope you continue your recovery."
After a week of no word, I e-mailed again, asking if he had gotten the first message. He wrote back that he had, and then he expressed good wishes.
I am appalled at his insensitivity. (I bet he didn't even share that first e-mail with his lady -- she would have responded immediately!)
Can you suggest a way I can get across to him that simple manners dictate a prompt and appropriate response? I admit I am something of a stickler for etiquette, but it's more than that, it's showing that you care. I know he does, down deep, but it would have been good to hear it. -- Recovering
Dear Recovering: I'd like to suggest an alternative way for you to look at this.
Imagine, if you will, that you received an e-mail from your son letting you know that he'd had surgery, after the fact. You would feel alienated. You might feel that he didn't trust you with important news.
After you think about this, I hope that you'll consider speaking with your son, not to admonish him on his bad manners, but to ask him if he feels you did the right thing not telling him about your surgery beforehand.
Your son is an adult. He has a right to know if you are facing a serious health issue, certainly if you chose to tell his sisters. You should trust him to manage his own concern.
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