Pfizer, a pharmaceutical giant, will pay fines totaling $3.2 billion for, among other irregularities, plying doctors with golf outings, massages and lavish vacations to encourage them to prescribe medications for uses other than intended, which may explain why I received a Viagra prescription for post-nasal drip.
I jest, of course, about my off-label prescription. My personal physician would never fall sway to drug-company bribery, and I would never question the ethics of an individual who has open access to the most sensitive parts of my body.
Pfizer, though, figured that there were enough doctors out there willing to take a rubdown in exchange for pushing its medications that it repeatedly violated the law, according to the Department of Justice.
"Illegal conduct and fraud by pharmaceutical companies puts the public health at risk, corrupts medical decisions by health-care providers and costs the government billions of dollars," said Tony West, an assistant U.S. attorney general for the Civil Division.
The $3.2 billion settlement is the largest ever related to allegations of health-care misconduct. And how blatant and disturbing was that misconduct? Just take a look at this transcript of a telephone conversation between a drug-company representative and a doctor, a transcript I obtained by totally making it up:
The conversation in my head
"This is Dr. Roberts. How may I help you?
"Hey, Doc. Phil from the drug company. I was in last month with the fruit basket, the Jonas Brothers tickets and a couple of tubes of that new ointment all the cool doctors are so crazy about. Remember?
"Sure, Phil. Look, I'm a little busy."
"Yeah, yeah. You're working too hard, Doc. You need a little vacation. Maybe Cabo, maybe the Bahamas. Tell you what, I'll drop by with some samples of our new drug Xcessinal, we'll go out, have a few drinks, maybe a massage, talk it over."
"Xcessinal? Didn't that cause monkeys to explode in early medical trials?"
"That was Xcessinal Plus With Calcium. This is totally different. No exploding monkeys. In fact, in human trials, we've experienced very few problems. We've tried it on the young, the old, the rich and the poor. Well, we didn't try it on the rich because we were waiting to see if it killed the poor, but so far, so good."
"What does Xcessinal treat?"
"You name it, Xcessinal treats it. While it's specifically labeled only for toe fungus, Jerry down in research and development assures me that Xcessinal is good for gout, arthritis, irritable bowel syndrome, premenstrual syndrome, Stockholm syndrome -- most all the syndromes -- baldness, chicken pox, goat pox, lactose intolerance and a wide variety of mental illnesses. Patient hearing voices? Put an Xcessinal tablet in each ear. Voila! Cured! Come on, let's discuss the details over 18 holes. My treat."
"But there are side effects, right?"
"A few, but, as we say in the business, side effects are rare and may include blah, blah, blah. Ask your doctor if Xcessinal is right for you, -- once your doctor gets back from an all-expense-paid Caribbean vacation. Right, Doc? Hey, sawbones, let's talk about it over lap dances at Club Fantasia. Again, my treat."
"Seriously, Phil, what are some of the side effects?"
"Occasionally, and we're talking occasionally here, some patients may experience dry mouth, fatigue, difficulty breathing, excessive flatulence, projectile vomiting, swelling of the ears to enormous proportions, psychotic reactions to circus clowns, irreversible amnesia and spontaneous combustion. The usual stuff."
"Phil, I can't in good conscience….
"Hold on, doc. There's a guy from the Department of Justice here. I've got to write him a check for $3.2 billion and then you and I can get back to business as usual. You like massages, right?"
■ Scott Hollifield is editor and general manager of The McDowell News. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.
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