Ask Amy - Cheater: She has a boyfriend, but she's seeing another man

By: JournalNow Staff | TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES
Published: November 21, 2009

Dear Amy: I have been in a long-distance relationship for more than three years now. We're students studying at different schools, and we see each other about once a month and during holidays.

Lately I feel different in the relationship; I am very resentful that he constantly chooses to please his family and friends before me.

I suspect he feels so secure in the relationship that he feels he can overlook my needs because he knows we will eventually spend the rest of our lives together. I feel I am constantly sacrificing something of mine to keep the peace. I've tried communicating these issues in a nonjudgmental manner, but he gets defensive and won't budge.

When we are together he treats me well, but when we are apart he forgets who I am.

I've recently met someone. I've never cheated before and feel awful. The other man knows that I am in a relationship, but he's OK with it. He is sweet and kind and treats me wonderfully.

I've started developing feelings for this other man, but I feel it would never work because he would never trust me.

I am stuck. I know that if I keep with my boyfriend we'll eventually get married and have a life together, but I really enjoy how this other man makes me feel.

My boyfriend graduates in December, and he's coming back home to me.

I don't know whether to break it off or wait it out. The guilt is awful. -- Sad Student

Dear Sad: You are doing everything backward.

If you don't like the way your relationship with your longtime boyfriend is going, you should do what you can to change it -- or break it off. You have muddied the relationship waters by letting someone else into your life.

You should never assume that you and your boyfriend will mend things and marry, and you should never marry someone until you are prepared to be honest.

Cheating is wrong. Sometimes people cheat as a way to get out of a relationship that isn't working. That's wrong, too.

I hope you realize that your boyfriend might be neglecting you because, like you, he has found someone else.

Dear Amy: I've been married for 20 years. My wife's niece is getting married. She invited my wife to be her bridesmaid but left me out. I'm going to the wedding, but my wife will be walking down the aisle with someone her niece picks for her.

My wife says it's not rude, but I feel it is. I feel left out. What do you say? -- Hurt Husband

Dear Hurt: As a bridesmaid, your wife's official duties involve walking down the aisle escorted by an usher.

Your job is to be a good guest.

This is not personal, and it's not rude.

Ask Amy, written by Amy Dickinson, appears in the Winston-Salem Journal on Sundays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Saturdays. Readers may send questions to Ask Amy via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. An archive of Ask Amy advice columns is available at the Journal's Web site at www.journalnow.com .