Ask Amy - Alcoholism: Brother's past is not your story to control

By: JournalNow Staff | TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES
Published: November 14, 2009

Dear Amy: My husband and I will be celebrating Thanksgiving at my daughter and son-in-law's house. Normally we have a great time there.

My son-in-law's family will mainly be in attendance. My brother (an alcoholic who is sober) will be coming with his girlfriend of a year. I've only met this girl-

friend once, when she came to our house for dinner in May. At that time, a lot of the conversation was about my brother's past, how people where they work were discouraging her from dating him, etc.

Even though it was just family at dinner, I was embarrassed for my brother and frankly didn't want to hear it. I've been through too much with my brother as it is.

My question is whether I should say something ahead of time to his girlfriend about not talking about his past, or should I just hope that it doesn't happen again with my daughter's relatives. -- Shamefaced Sister

Dear Sister: Every couple has a story. However this story strikes you, your brother's past belongs mainly to him. He gets to fold, spindle and mutilate it, or share it at 12-step meetings or Thanksgiving dinner. If his girlfriend's oversharing embarrasses him, then he should handle it.

This formerly drunk brother may have pulled you through the knothole, but part of his recovery experience will be to try to take responsibility for his actions, seek amends and repair his relationships where he can. Please let him try.

If the dinner table conversation takes a turn you don't enjoy, you can try your best to turn the conversational ocean liner around. "Mmmm, these mashed potatoes are so creamy!" is one way to start.

Dear Amy: A few months ago I was diligently looking for a job and received a call from a recruiter representing a company I wanted to work for. I was so excited. One of the first things I did was to tell my very good friend about the opportunity.

After three interviews with the recruiter, the company decided that it wanted to continue looking at other candidates. I was extremely disappointed. I told my friend about the outcome and then a few weeks later he said he would be getting an offer from the same company for the same job I was going for. I didn't even know he was interviewing. He already had a high six-figure salary. He knew the financial situation I was in.

I am happy for him but disappointed that he did not consider my feelings enough to let me know he was interested in the position earlier. He said he didn't realize it was the same job I went after.

I feel betrayed by him, and I don't think I can ever feel the same way about our friendship. Your thoughts? -- Feeling Weird

Dear Weird: Presumably you were turned down for the job before your friend interviewed for the position. He has no obligation to stay away from jobs you've already been passed over for, but he does have an obligation to be honest with you.

Unless job-oriented superstition or a non-disclosure agreement prevented him from giving you a heads-up about this (a possibility), he should have at least given you a heads-up about this.