Civil and religious matters might be better kept apart

On March 24, 2008, Nikki Byers and I were married. That will probably come as a surprise to some of our friends and members of our family who were present for our wedding in Wait Chapel on the campus of Wake Forest University six weeks later on May 10.

We were, in fact, married twice, once in the eyes of the state of North Carolina and once in the eyes of God in the presence of family and friends.

It is becoming more and more common for couples to have both a public ceremony and a private or religious ceremony. Or for couples who have no religious commitments to have only a public ceremony. For those of us who are committed to the separation of church and state, and who value the special role that both personal faith and religious communities play in marriage, that feels right.

I came to that conclusion a long time ago, in the 1970s, but I did nothing about it. For the next 30 years I signed marriage licenses on behalf of whatever state I lived in -- Texas, Massachusetts and North Carolina -- all the while finding myself increasingly uncomfortable with the practice.

Then after Nikki and I became engaged, I asked Susan Parker, an associate pastor of Wake Forest Baptist Church, where I was pastor, if she would co-officiate at our wedding, along with Lynn Rhoades, who had also served as associate pastor at the church. Susan said she would be delighted to do so. But there was a twinkle in her eye. It took me a moment to figure out what was behind that twinkle.

On her own, Susan had come to the same conclusion about weddings that I had. But she had done something about it. She had established the practice of asking couples to be married before a local magistrate before coming to the church for a religious ceremony. I had encouraged and applauded her in that practice.

"Susan," I said, "am I going to have to get married by a magistrate?"

Susan smiled mischievously and said, "Yes, you are."

Nikki and I were legally married in the Forsyth County courthouse. It was all over in 10 minutes. Filling out the paperwork took longer than the ceremony. It had all the emotional impact of getting a driver's license. But it satisfied the legal interests that the state of North Carolina has in our marriage.

By contrast, the ceremony in Wait Chapel a month and a half later was joyful, at times loud, and at all times deeply spiritual. Eleven of our 12 children participated in the ceremony (the 12th was out of the country and could not attend). We sang hymns. We prayed. We read Scriptures. Then Susan and Lynn announced that in light of the vows we had made before God, our families and friends, we were husband and wife.

Since then I have thought about the dual approach Nikki and I took to getting married. I have wondered whether such an approach might offer a solution to the issue of same-sex marriage. Here is the way it would work:

All couples -- heterosexual and homosexual -- would be required to be married by a civil magistrate. People wishing to have a religious ceremony could do so, assuming, in the case of same-sex couples, that their faith communities provided such ceremonies. Religious groups would be free to bless whichever unions they see fit to bless, as they are now. No religious body would be required to offer ceremonies that violate their beliefs or doctrines. People who oppose same-sex marriage on religious grounds could still do so -- within their faith communities.

Couples who were married only by a magistrate would be just as married as those who had both civil and religious ceremonies.

This dual approach would have a couple of advantages over the current system. For one thing, all people would be treated the same way by the state. Gay and lesbian couples would receive the same legal benefits that heterosexual couples receive when they marry. The United States General Accounting Office says that there are 1,138 statutory provisions available to people who can legally marry that are not available to people who cannot. These include rights related to property, insurance, inheritance, bankruptcy and Social Security.

Also, a dual approach to marriage would take clergy out of the business of serving as official representatives of the secular government.

That feels right to me. It seems fair.

■ Richard Groves retired last fall after serving as the pastor of Wake Forest Baptist Church for 23 years. The Journal welcomes original submissions for North Carolina Voices on local, regional and statewide topics. Essay length should not exceed 750 words. The writer should have some authority for writing about his or her subject. Our e-mail address is: Letters@wsjournal.com. You may also mail a typed essay to: Letters to the Journal, P.O. Box 3159, Winston-Salem, NC 27102. Please include your name and address and a daytime telephone number.