Tell Me About It

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend of two years and I are moving in together. We are both 30. This has been a wonderful relationship with few disagreements.

My one big concern is that he looks at porn. He is secretive about it, but I have walked in on him a few times watching it and have seen it on the computer. It makes me ill.

I have always considered myself sexually open, and I think he is satisfied with our sex life. I have told him how I feel about porn, but he continues to watch it. I know most guys and girls view porn differently. Do I need to just get over it? — Torn on Porn

Dear Torn: Do you want to get over it?

Porn questions are often misleading, because they fall into the tar pit of "should." Should people stop using porn? Just paired-off people? Should their disapproving mates just get over it?

It's interesting debate fuel, and useful for individual choice. But when it comes to living with someone else's choices, it's best to abandon the shoulds and stick to what is.

Is your boyfriend willing to stop using porn? If unwilling, can you love, trust and accept someone who sneaks porn, and if willing, can you love, trust and accept someone who at any given time isn't using porn only because you asked him not to? Until you're sure where you stand, don't move in with him. Sorting this out will be hard enough without the potential agony of moving out to cloud your thinking.

If you do start, or stumble into, the "should" conversation, then try approaching it as a true-or-false question: If you believe an industry is so unsafe or dishonorable that you wouldn't offer up yourself or spouse/child, real or hypothetical, to work in it, then you shouldn't use the products of that industry.

Cool thing is, this works not just for porn, but for meatpacking, contact sports, mining, art, education, pubs, multinationals, politics, you name it. Discuss.

Dear Carolyn: My parents are in their mid-60s. They're retired and having a wonderful time, which I'm very happy about. Recently I was visiting them and, out of nowhere, my mother said, "I hope you kids know your father and I aren't going to be leaving you anything when we die. Our legacy to you was raising you well and loving you the way we do."

I wasn't sure what to say, so I made some nondescript response to see if she would continue, but she changed the subject.

My parents both received money from their parents when they passed, which allowed them to retire early. My parents didn't pay for our college tuition, nor have they helped out with weddings, home down payments, etc. They've just never offered, and my siblings and I have always done fine as adults without their financial support.

I guess I'm just not sure what to think about her statement. I feel a little slighted, which makes me feel guilty. Should I bring it up with her, or with my brothers? — S.

Dear S.: I think your mom's pronouncement breaks some insensitivity records. While it's important for parents not to spoil their kids, and to equip them to stand alone, that has always been a tough line for parents to walk, especially wealthy ones, especially with inherited money. It requires a balance of being generous in sharing good fortune with family, and others, while modeling discipline in their lifestyle and emphasizing the importance of investing hard work into individual interests. Parents who say no to themselves ground and validate the word "no" for their kids.

Enjoying luxuries they didn't earn while leaving their kids to earn their luxuries? That's some rich soil for resentment.

This could be Mom's way of warning you the inheritance is running dry. If so, though, there was better phrasing available. For example, the truth: "The money we inherited is starting to run out" — because it was never abundant to begin with, because their investments collapsed, whatever — "so I wanted to make sure you're secure without it."

Certainly don't feel guilty for wishing your mom had some tact. But don't dwell on her lack of it, either.

So you have two non-spoiled choices. You can bite your tongue, accept this as consistent with the parents you know, and decide on your own what to do with the information, both emotionally and financially. Or, you can talk to your mom to make sure all is well.