Iran plans to send a monkey into space this month, presumably to spray-paint "Death to America" on the moon.
The sourcing is a little complicated, so try to keep up: On June 27, Reuters said an Iranian news outlet said the head of Iran's space agency said "five monkeys were undergoing tests before one is selected for the flight on board a Kavoshgar-5 rocket."
Even though this is third-hand space-monkey news, it "has alarmed Israel and its Western allies that fear the Islamic Republic is seeking nuclear weapons," Reuters reported.
That could be. In one scenario, the learned head of Iran's space agency, after several grueling rounds of highly scientific testing in a state-of-the-art laboratory, gives his final instructions to the simian subject chosen for this important mission: "OK, monkey, you go to space and find nuclear weapons, and we will stay here and stone to death the person who stole my bread."
As one of the most influential journalists you are currently reading until you move on to a City Council story by a journalist much more influential than I am, I call on the United Nations to issue a resolution condemning Iran's monkey spaceflight for two important reasons, aside from that whole nuclear-weapons-in-the-hands-of-mad-men thing.
First, the monkey could get sucked into a black hole, resulting in a shift in time and space that produces a parallel universe closely resembling "Planet of the Apes." Without Charlton Heston here to lead the uprising, we are doomed as a species, so famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking told me. Or I may have dreamed that.
Second, and most importantly, we should not be sending monkeys into space anymore. They were never exactly willing participants. Today, we have more than enough humans who would gladly strap themselves into an untested Iranian rocket and blast into the great beyond as long as it's part of a reality show.
"Let's welcome our seven contestants for 'So You Wanna Go to Space.' Vinnie is a part-time bouncer from New Jersey who enjoys shaving his chest and spiking women's drinks…"
With a plethora of Vinnies sucking up our precious oxygen and willing to do just about anything for attention, we simply don't need to endanger anymore Alberts.
According to "The History of Research in Space Biology and Biodynamics," Albert was the first monkey astronaut.
"Early in the morning of 18 June 1948, a 9-pound anaesthetized rhesus monkey was sealed inside the capsule, which in turn was placed in the nose of a V-2 rocket," reads the history at NASA's website. "Because the monkey's name was Albert, the entire operation became known as the Albert (I) Project."
I imagine the circumstances under which Albert ended up anaesthetized in that capsule in 1948 were this: "Hey, Albert, you wanna see that hilarious new movie 'Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein' over at the Ritz? Sure, ya do, kid. Just swallow this banana-flavored vitamin. Pretty soon, you'll be seeing big stars up close."
One small step for monkey, one giant leap for monkeykind.
Unfortunately, there would be no ticker-tape parade for Albert.
He suffocated in the cramped capsule before it even left the ground.
But, NASA's history cheerily notes, "Albert would have been killed upon impact even if he had not died previously."
Albert's successor, creatively named Albert II, would become the first monkey in space. After that, many more monkeys would reach for the stars, some returning successfully, some not. At this point in history, we can say with scientific certainty that, yes, humans can send monkeys into space. There is nothing more to prove. I am sure Iran's leaders, known for their wise, level-headed decision making, will realize this.
Yeah, right.
Happy landing, Albert Ahmadinejad Jr.
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