Amateur Night

Ahem. Good, you're awake. Happy New Year.

If you're reading this over breakfast, clear-eyed, head held high, all atwitter with every-hair-is-perfect vim, vigor and resolution -- congratulations! Please read on with the smug superiority that one imagines might accompany waking up the day after New Year's Eve, sans hangover.

And if you aren't … well, read this later, as in, "better late than never," as we're talking to and about the recently yakking reveler with the New Year's Eve hangover. You know who you are -- or maybe, at the moment, you don't. If you're slumped, head on table, drooling, shaking, making noises similar to those of a gravely wounded pachyderm, looking disheveled but fortunately wearing clothes, even if they don't happen to be yours or even suited to your particular gender.…

Chances are that you have a hangover.

And by hangover, we aren't talking about the 30 pounds of blubber hanging over your belt line that you recently resolved to lose in the coming year -- and won't. It didn't happen two years ago at 10 pounds. It didn't happen last year at 20 pounds. The Eskimos are waiting, harpoons in hand.

We're talking about the price paid by the ill-informed, amateur drinker who is now in head-pounding, gut-wringing pain and oh-sweet-death misery. The hangover is your abused body's answer to the willful celebratory swilling of myriad alcoholic beverages over a sustained period of hearty partying without care, caution or precaution.

"Alcohol is a diuretic, so if you don't drink lots of water while drinking (alcohol), you are getting dehydrated," said Dr. Paul Barry, who practices occupational and preventive medicine at Forsyth Medical Center. "You also end up suffering from low-blood sugar and vitamin B-12 deficiency. And alcohol is a direct irritant to the lining of your stomach."

This just in from the "who knew?" department: The hangover has an official medical term, according to Barry. "It's call beisalgia," he said. "It's a combination of a Norwegian word, ‘kvais,' and ‘algia,' which translates to ‘pain.'" Barry laughed. "It's funny. The definition of ‘kvais' meant ‘uneasiness following debauchery.' So there you go."

Away, away with rum

For the record, The Good Doctor knows of what he speaks. Although he initially denied "ever touching demon rum," he quickly confessed that the same did not hold true with wine, vodka, gin and other spirits. "I had my moments of wild misspent youth," he said. "Then I wised up."

Physician, heal thyself. Indeed.

"This time of year can be particularly tough for people who drink -- and more so for those who don't regularly drink," Barry said. "Regrettably, drinking too much on New Year's Eve is tradition."

The seasoned tippler often refers to New Year's Eve Night as Amateur Night. Something primal happens to man, an imperfect mook, when toasting the ending of one year, lousy or bountiful, and hoping for a better year to come. Common sense is first out the window, followed by decorum, dignity and chunks of your memory and your carpet-bombed liver.

What's left in the cruel light of the New Year is the carnage -- "mess in Aisle 666" -- the queasy consequences of the previous night's misadventure. (You can't even say the words "oily sardine" without sprinting for a bathroom, can you?)

To quote David Byrne, "This ain't no party. This ain't no disco. This ain't no foolin' around." This is what happens when last night's cups 'o kindness turn medieval on you.

Maybe it starts with a few high-altitude beers with old friends not forgotten in late afternoon. Next, a wee wind-down scotch or two before going to dinner, which is attended with red wine by the bottle.

Then off to the party, where a couple of crisp, high-end-gin martinis go down like water while you're making merry with the holiday chitty-chatty. Hey, look everybody, rum punch! This is fuzzily followed by the odd holiday-colored shooter, then midnight champagne toasts, or, if in a Cold War mindset, vodka shots, followed by a sweet-and-syrup brandy nightcap.

Good times, good times. Good times that are probably best forgotten, if only you could actually remember them -- and on a night that is supposed to be remembered, no less. No worries -- there are plenty of people, at least those who are still talking to you, who will remind you about it over and over and over again. Some might even send you a bill or a subpoena.

The cure

We now know why this happened -- abstinence and moderation were given the heave-ho. Varieties of alcohol were mixed-- a definite no-no, done with daredevil abandon. Chances are you forgot to drink glasses of water while guzzling the hooch (when you should have been sipping and pacing yourself) which in turn has left you …

"Well, in a word, poisoned," said Barry.

And you thought you were having fun.

Barry said sipping drinks such as high-end vodka that have been distilled multiple times, thus reducing impurities, will help cut the severity of a hangover, as will drinks mixed with ginger ale. And the old adage about champagne -- "the smaller the bubbles, the smaller the headache" -- has merit.

"Cheap champagne such as Cold Duck, will have bigger bubbles than Dom Perignon," Barry said. "So really, the more expensive the alcohol, the better the alcohol, and the easier it is on the system. Also it's expensive, so you're likely to not drink as much."

Barry also had some tips for recovering from a hangover. Having a "nip" of alcohol -- the infamous "hair of the dog" -- doesn't cure a hangover. "It merely postpones the inevitable," he said. He added that there isn't any that support the claims of the hangover-prevention pills that pop up in stores this time of year -- although one, RU-21, is generating a bit of medical interest.

Nix most home-remedies, as well. "There is one that goes around about cooking or boiling down kudzu, and eating or drinking it," Barry said. "Please don't. The plant is poisonous. Death isn't the cure you are probably looking for."

Time and rehydration are the things that will do the trick. Barry did say that eating fried food before going out for a night of tippling -- and toppling over -- will help cut the effects of too-much fun. The day after, eat eggs and drink water, and lots of it. Don't go straight to the sports drinks -- too much sugar. The best mix -- half water, half sports drink. And keep it coming.

"The most effective way to avoid a hangover is to not drink," Barry said (and you knew that was coming). "But for most people, that's not gonna sink in. Damage control is your next best option.

"Really, if you drink a glass of water for every alcoholic drink, you will not only stay hydrated, you will spend so much time running to the bathroom that you will drink less. Try it -- it works."