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Swept into situations with no support at hand
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Published: October 11, 2009
"In youth we learn; in age we understand."
Marie Ebner von Eschenback
Several years ago, my wife and I were in New Orleans watching a "second-line" parade proceed through one of the neighborhoods near downtown. We weren't standing there long when all of a sudden we were part of the parade. Ready or not, we were participants, pulled in by the rapidly moving crowd.
There are young people in our community who have been swept up in a similar parade -- early adulthood. Ready or not, they are thrust into situations without the appropriate support necessary to make good choices. Suddenly, they are making decisions that adults have been making for them -- in foster care. Each year, about 25 young people in our community turn 18 and transition from foster care to independence.
Earlier this year, a task force was formed to develop a community plan of support. The goal is simple, yet complex -- to bring together the people, systems and resources necessary to help young people leaving foster care to make a successful transition to adulthood.
The objectives are that they have sufficient economic resources to meet their daily needs, a safe and stable place to live, that they avoid illegal or high-risk behaviors, that they postpone parenthood and that they achieve a state of good emotional health.
At the heart of the issue is this: These young people fundamentally lack preparation for independent living and do not have a natural connection to a "caring adult" or a support system to help them. Unfortunately, they are learning to just get by, not get ahead. We are losing some of them because they don't have anyone to turn to. They "may not always have families to visit during the holidays, caring adults who call on their birthdays or resources to call upon when they are in a pinch," a foster parent told me.
Recently, I talked to a 24-year-old woman who shared some of her experience living in foster care.
"Everything I know, I taught myself," she told me. "I still feel like I am behind. I am trying to catch up." A mother of three, she is currently unemployed. "I am trying to do right."
Her ordeal started before she was 15 years old. Her parents had drug-abuse problems. Eventually she was placed in the Children's Home, but she ran away.
She ended up in a group home in another city and made a friend whose mother invited her to come live with them. Her friend's mother received money from DSS but didn't take care of her, she told me.
Then, at 17, she became pregnant. She didn't go back to the group home, but lived with another friend and later was evicted.
She has learned from her experiences. That helps her relate to youth in foster care now as a volunteer. She can make a difference in their lives while she continues to get hers on track. They want "someone who is really there to talk to," she said, a caring adult who listens, answers questions, provides structure and discipline and helps when the anger arises -- as it did with her. Anger can be acted out in inappropriate, costly ways. She understands that now; unfortunately she lost a few jobs to learn the lesson.
She also knows not to always "tell" the youth what to do. That came through clear in our conversation. Show them. Help them learn, she said. "Telling" can have a negative impact. Parents "tell" them what to do. Teachers "tell" them what to do. Counselors "tell" them what to do. After a while, they don't know what to do because they are used to being told what to do.
These young people need a community system of support and a caring adult -- a person who is consistent, committed, patient and honest; someone who will not walk away from them when times get tough. They need resources and relationships to help them become independent before they are swept into the parade of life, unprepared.
We can all help now or pay later.
Nigel Alston lives in Winston-Salem. He can be reached at nalston1@triad.rr.com.
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