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Diet Detective: Talking about weight can be done correctly
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Published: January 14, 2009
Updated: 01/13/2009 08:55 pm
Is your loved one harboring several extra pounds? Have you wanted to say something but were afraid of starting World War III? If so, you're not alone.
There are millions of people who don't want to see their loved ones at increased risk for diabetes, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, sleep apnea or any of the many other problems related to being overweight. If you are one of them, what should you do?
A study done at the University of Colorado Health Science Center and reported in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition indicates that for most weight-loss maintainers, success was preceded by a "trigger event or critical incident." This could be something as simple as a comment from you that acts as a wake-up call.
"This conversation can spark a wide range of reactions -- anything from crying to withholding affection to walking out the door," said Gerard J. Musante of Structure House, a residential weight-loss center in Durham. Will it harm a relationship permanently? Not if it's done right, Musante said.
Here are a few tips to help you save your partner's life while keeping your relationship intact.
Don't be judgmental
Frame comments in a positive way. Focus on good health, not just appearance. "This is a sensitive issue that can result in a defensive reaction if your partner feels he or she is not loved or no longer attractive to you," said Alan Delamater, a professor of psychology at the University of Miami.
"It's important to pick a time when you and your partner can fully focus on the conversation," said Jennifer L. Hartstein, a psychologist in New York. "Express how much you care about him/her and how important he/she is in your life. Then you want to express your concerns and highlight the fact that weight loss is an important part of your concern. You may want to validate how difficult changing can be and offer to be a primary source of support," she said. Discuss how to start the process, keeping in mind that this could be rough and you may not get a good response the first time.
Come clean
Be clear about your motivation. Why would you like your loved one to lose weight? Are you truly concerned about his/her health? Do you want to rekindle the romance in your life?
"Your own ‘selfish motivations' cannot be overlooked," Hartstein said. Delameter said, "There are many dimensions to the relationship, and it's OK to talk about the physical dimension, and how physical appearance may affect how attracted you feel toward your partner. The key is to do this from a position of love and respect."
But experts such as Linda Miles, a family therapist in Florida, believe that you need to find a reason other than appearance for this discussion to go well. "Ask yourself if this issue is about weight or deeper issues related to feelings of intimacy and connection," she said.
Don't be an enabler
Do you bring home unhealthy food as a reward for you partner? Are you a food pusher, telling your partner that "it's OK this one time"?
Become part of the solution, not the problem. Think about your own habits, and whether you need to lose weight, too. Maybe you can simply start living a "clean and healthy" life yourself -- without saying a word. "When one person in the family breaks away from old patterns, there can be a domino effect," Miles said.
Think of this as a team effort. Studies have shown that a solid family and social network can positively influence health. Delameter suggested doing activities together, such as walking, riding bikes, shopping for food, and creating healthy snack ideas.
Make a plan
Make a plan that's specific, clear, possible (a program everyone can adhere to) and formal (write it down).
Delameter said, "Make sure that the plan is one for which your partner has taken responsibility, rather than one that is essentially yours and to which he or she has simply agreed. It's critical that the overweight partner be motivated to achieve his or her own self-generated goals."
Don't be the food police
Policing every move your partner makes will create a negative situation for both of you. Your partner needs to do this for him or herself -- not for you.
■ Charles Stuart Platkin is the founder of DietDetective.com.
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