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In-Law in House: Living arrangement has worked out well for couple, three children
AP Photo
Linda Whicker prepares dinner with her grandchildren Cole, 7, (from left), Jillian, 5, and Amelia, 3.
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Published: January 11, 2009
DENVER, N.C. -- After her husband died in 2006, Linda Whicker was lonely.
But when her daughter and son-in-law moved from Seattle to the Charlotte area and asked her to move in, Whicker wasn't sure what to do.
At 67, she was relatively young and healthy, with lots of friends and a longtime career as a real-estate agent. Would she be happy in a hectic household with three young children? Did her son-in-law really want her there? Would she lose her independence?
Some friends were doubtful, predicting that her life would be swallowed up by baby-sitting, chauffeuring and cooking for her grandson and two granddaughters.
The Charlotte Observer reported that Whicker decided last year to follow her heart. After converting a walk-out basement to a two-bedroom apartment, she moved May 1 into the Lake Norman home of Leigh and Vince Aganad.
After eight months, the Aganad-Whicker household is a busy work in progress. Everything doesn't always run smoothly or on time, but it's a place where three generations live in love and harmony.
For much of history, it was common for a widow to move in with a grown child's family.
But that changed in the 1960s, when women joined the work force in greater numbers. Since that time, the numbers of multi-generational families living under the same roof has steadily declined, said Darlyne Menscer, a geriatrician with Carolinas Medical Center.
Women aren't as available to be with or care for older parents, and parents are more likely to stay healthy and want to live independently longer.
Only 1.5 percent of parents live in households headed by an adult child, census data from 2007 show. That's up slightly from 1.05 percent in 2000.
When those arrangements occur, it's often dictated by need, Menscer said. Less affluent members of a family might choose to live with an adult who has a steady Social Security income, she said, but that can result in exploitation of the older adult.
"I would not encourage multi-generational arrangements," Menscer said, "without frank conversations about what everyone expects."
Whicker's decision to live with her daughter and son-in-law wasn't prompted by financial need. She said she has enough money to live comfortably on her own, but the arrangement will save her money. She spent about $100,000 to convert the Aganads' basement to a well-appointed, 1,300-square-foot apartment. She reimburses the couple $300 a month for her utilities.
Whicker wonders whether worsening economic conditions will prompt other multigenerational families to look at living together. Menscer said that's a possibility.
Whicker grew up in a large family in Charlotte and married young. She and her husband, Ron, both worked in real estate, raised their son and daughter, and lived happily in a lakefront home. In 2004, with their children grown and gone, they moved into a smaller house.
In January 2006, Ron Whicker, 67, died of colon cancer. Because he wouldn't go to doctors, Whicker's condition wasn't diagnosed until a few days before he died. His sudden death was devastating.
"Everyone said, ‘Don't make a decision real quick,'" Linda Whicker said. She stayed in their home and continued working as a Realtor.
Meanwhile, daughter Leigh Aganad was pregnant with her third child and living in Seattle, where her husband, Vince, worked for a food company. It rained constantly, Aganad recalls, and she was sad about her father, homesick for her mother and missed North Carolina terribly.
Vince Aganad began job-hunting, and the Aganads moved to North Carolina with their three children. During the summer of 2007, they lived in close quarters in Whicker's small house. She appreciated Vince's easygoing personality and enjoyed daily life around her grandchildren. Aganad found a job with a company that allowed him to work at home.
As the Aganads waited for their new home in Sailview to be finished, they asked Whicker to move with them.
"They said, ‘We moved here to be close to you. Are you going to live by yourself?"' Whicker says. Aganad, who grew up in a multi-generational, Filipino-American family in Chicago, was all for it. So was Leigh Aganad, but added, "I wanted it to work for her."
Whicker thought about what was most important to her. After a few weeks, she decided: being a hands-on grandmother.
On a recent school night, the household is hopping.
The grown-ups dish out pizza, salad and fruit to Cole, 7, Jillian, 5, and Amelia, 3. Cole and Aganad rush to get to Cole's karate lesson. Whicker gives the two giggling girls their bath. Leigh Aganad looks over some real-estate papers.
At 42, she has started her own career in real estate, coached by Whicker, who's winding down her business.
"No way I would be working without her," Leigh said.
But she and her husband emphasized that they don't expect Whicker to provide routine child care, cook or do their household chores.
"We don't drop our kids off downstairs," said Leigh Aganad. "She has her independence."
Whicker and the Aganads have learned that rules keep the family running smoothly. When the children want to visit Whicker, they know they must ask, "Granna, can I come down?" before they descend to her apartment.
Whicker said she's glad to help get the children to activities and plan meals as long as it's on the family calendar. Her moments of exasperation come when she doesn't know in advance what's expected.
The Aganads say they appreciate Whicker's occasional offers to baby-sit for a date night and they value her presence in the family's life.
"Linda and I both love landscaping, and we all like to cook," said Vince Aganad. "It has worked out well."
Leigh Aganad said she knows that some day, Whicker may want to date -- even remarry. "She may not spend the rest of her days here."
For now, Whicker said, she is content.
"I'm in very good health, I still love to travel, and I love these kids."
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