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A Walk With Memories: Dad honors his children who died in wreck while sharing his thoughts with teenagers
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Published: May 11, 2008
CONCORD
Lee Wagner is taking a trip with his children, even though they made their last trip four years earlier through the same North Carolina roads.
It was four years ago yesterday that Lee's two children died in a car accident when his daughter, Jillian Wagner, rolled her sport utility vehicle on a Georgia highway.
The wreck killed 18-year-old Jillian (called Jillie) instantly and would take the life of her brother, Lee Wagner IV, 16, (sometimes called Little Lee), a few moments later. It was Mother's Day, and the two were heading to their Peachtree City, Ga., home from their grandmother's house less than an hour away.
"You can sit back and mourn and cry every day, and trust me, that's an option," Wagner said. "Or you can get out there and do something.... Even though you know it won't take away the pain, it's nice to do something for them."
Having started in Peachtree City -- a suburb of Atlanta -- Wagner is following the path the hearse took four years ago to bury his children in a Welcome, N.C., cemetery, just outside the church the children attended when they were younger. Wagner passed through Cabarrus County, following U.S. 29, on Wednesday.
The walk is 380 miles, taking Wagner from where he lives now to Bethesda United Methodist Church in Welcome. He doesn't know what is waiting for him at the church, but he doesn't expect a welcoming party. He knows the final stretch will probably be the hardest.
Wagner is a stocky man in his mid-50s. His face, framed by golden blond hair, lights up as he talks about Jillie and Little Lee. When he walks, he wears a T-shirt that has photos of his children printed on the front.
He talks about his children in the past tense instead of the present, although he said he believes his children are with him during the walk -- it was one of the hardest transitions since the wreck, he said. He has strong hands gained from a lifetime of work in the trucking industry. Wagner still tears up as he speaks about his children, something he doesn't shy away from or hide.
"When you're a grieving parent, you wear everything on your sleeve," he said. "Everything is out there and, although it's such a painful thing, it feels good to talk about your kids and tell others about them."
The walk started in earnest in mid-March. On the weekends, Wagner would plan walks and allow church and civic groups to walk with him so they could raise money for their causes. He never wanted any of the money. His prize came with having a few hours to talk to teenagers about their choices.
"My kids weren't speeding, they weren't drunk, or on drugs," he said. "They were coming home from their grandma's house.
"I got to talk to the kids about, ‘Is that cell phone call that important?' ‘Is that text message so important?' ‘Is putting on your make-up that important?' Because the last person to help my daughter with her make-up was an undertaker."
Wagner added up all of the miles he'd walked with the church groups, laid it on a map and realized he'd walked the distance from Peach Tree City to Easley, S.C. That's where his wife, Debbie Wagner, mother of Jillie and Little Lee, dropped him off two weeks ago. Every day after that, he walked 17 to 25 miles, sleeping at the homes of friends and relatives and returning to his "last footprint from the day before" the next morning.
Debbie Wagner joined her husband yesterday for a walk-a-thon at North Davidson High School, Lee Wagner's alma mater and the school both children attended before moving to Georgia. Debbie Wagner will be with him today for the final three-plus miles from the high school to the cemetery.
"I don't know what to expect," Debbie Wagner said about today's walk. "I don't know what's going to be there, but I do know that all of the emotions will come back … but in all honesty, they've really never left."
Lee Wagner has trouble defining why he is making the nearly 400-mile walk.
Penance? He bought his daughter the SUV over his wife's wishes and allowed Jillie to drive that day.
Therapy? Not to escape the realities but manage his pain and be able to talk to other grieving parents.
To regain a sense of normalcy? All of the reasons play a part for Wagner, and he said he has time to think about all of them while he makes his walk.
Whatever the reason, it's helping him and others, too.
"When you're a grieving parent, you're part of this unfortunate fraternity," he said. "No one understands what you're going through except those who've gone through it as well."
Wagner has chronicled his walks on his blog, www.awalktoremember.org, where several grieving parents have contacted him about their stories. Some of those stories have been added to the Web site, while others are kept private between the sets of distressed parents.
"You're in a tailspin when you lose your children; you're in a fog and can't see your hand in front of your face," he said. "You're crawling for any sign of hope, and doing good for others can help give you that focus you are searching for."
Jillie was two weeks away from her high-school graduation when she died. She had hoped to attend the University at Georgia in Athens. Little Lee had two years left in high school but had already decided that he wanted to be a doctor, his father said.
With both of the children so close to becoming college students, their college coffers were nearly financially complete. Not wanting to spend the money on anything else, the Wagners then turned those funds into a scholarship for the students who attended the same high school, Starr's Mill High School. For the past four years, at least one student has received money, thousands of dollars' worth depending on the student's need, for a college of their choice.
The Wagners hope to expand the scholarship this year to include one North Davidson High School student, as well.
After making the final leg of his walk, Wagner said he plans to begin working out the logistics of something he calls 50-50: 50 miles in 50 states. He thinks that it may take him years to complete. Debbie Wagner said her husband also plans to turn his blog entries into a book after finishing his walk.
Lee Wagner will be 56 today, on Mother's Day. When asked if he ever expected to spend a birthday with such mixed emotions, he replied: "I didn't expect to spend any of my days like this."
■ Josh Lanier is a reporter with the Concord & Kannapolis
Independent-Tribune.
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