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Experts, hard experience at odds on how to discipline
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Published: July 6, 2008
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
--Erma Bombeck
"This hurts me more than it hurts you," often coincided with a whipping. You know, the type of discipline you received for misbehaving, talking back to adults, allowing friends in the house when your parents were not at home or acting up in church. My response now is the same as it was then: Yeah, right.
Do you remember those whippings when you were crying so hard you couldn't catch your breath because you were sniffling and, in my case, your mother told you to "stop crying before I hit you again"? "If you stop hitting me, I'll stop crying," I thought to myself at the time. I dared not say that aloud.
Well, I made it out of childhood alive while enduring many forms of discipline, including the heavy-handed type practiced by my mother and the one time my father spanked me. He is a big man, with big hands and it took only that one hit. I got the message. On one occasion, I walked to my grandmother's house from school and used her to tell her son not to whip me. Fear can lead you to be creative.
Well, guess what, researchers say they know the science of disciplining children and "can now say exactly (italics mine) what discipline methods work and what don't." They call it "evidence-based parenting." In an article in U.S. News & World Report, "Good Parents, Bad Results: 8 ways science shows that Mom and Dad go wrong when disciplining their kids," what works and doesn't work is shared. For example, according to Alan Kazdin, a psychologist who directs the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic, it doesn't work to scream at your child to change his or her behavior. The research findings indicate that: Yelling and reasoning are equally ineffective; kids tune out both. Spanking and other harsh punishments ("You're grounded for a month!") do stop bad behavior, but only temporarily. Punishment works only if it's mild, and it is far outweighed by positive reinforcement of good behavior.
Who am I to argue with science? I did conduct an informal survey after reading the article, though. "How does your experience square with the science mentioned below?" I asked, before sharing my thoughts. "I don't recall ever being in timeout. Discipline was a switch or a belt and there were two options: do what I tell you or … you fill in the blank."
"I can summarize my experience in four words: ‘Jean don't play that,' " said one person. "And I had no idea what timeout was until I started playing sports." And while the evidence indicates that harsh punishment temporarily stops bad behavior, my survey respondent shared a different experience. "And probation got my attention because grounded meant grounded and my mother made certain that my lifestyle was severely cramped," he went on to explain. "Again, ‘Jean don't play that.' " I laugh each time I read his remark. I can relate.
And, if you grew up in the church, you might agree with this response from another person who shared her thoughts on the evidenced-based parenting: "Psycho-babble! I'm with you," she commented. "After all, the Bible says ‘spare the rod, spoil the child.' And I believe every word of ‘the Word.' " Amen!
According to the article, researchers have studied all the "nuances of typical parent-child interactions and know how long a timeout should last to be effective or how to praise a 13-year-old so that he beams when he takes out the trash." They have determined that a child can be effectively motivated if you praise him or her effusively, say exactly what the child did right and finish with a touch or hug. That works for adults too. Praise is a powerful tool, according to the research; it doesn't spoil a child.
There are also some common boo-boos parents make in attempting to discipline children that have been identified through the research, including the following: Parents fail at setting limits, are overprotective, punish too harshly, tell their child how to feel, put grades and SATs ahead of creativity, and they nag, lecture and yell.
It is a different day and time, and science has come a long way in helping us make progress. The evidence points to more effective ways to discipline children. My evidence-based experience, a switch, a belt and "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out of it," appears to be dated.
■ Nigel Alston is a Dale Carnegie trainer and motivational speaker. He can be reached at nalston1@triad.rr.com.
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